Batterer's Intervention Program

What is Battering?

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.

Definitions: Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:

•  Physical Battering - The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

•  Sexual Abuse - Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

•  Psychological Battering -The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.

Top

Why Do Men Batter Women?

Many theories have been developed to explain why some men use violence against their partners. These theories include: family dysfunction, inadequate communication skills, provocation by women, stress, chemical dependency, lack of spirituality and economic hardship. These issues may be associated with battering of women, but they are not the causes. Removing these associated factors will not end men's violence against women. The batterer begins and continues his behavior because violence is an effective method for gaining and keeping control over another person and he usually does not suffer adverse consequences as a result of his behavior.

Historically, violence against women has not been treated as a "real" crime. This is evident in the lack of severe consequences, such as incarceration or economic penalties, for men guilty of battering their partners. Rarely are batterers ostracized in their communities, even if they are known to have physically assaulted their partners. Batterers come from all groups and backgrounds, and from all personality profiles. However, some characteristics fit a general profile of a batterer:

•  A batterer objectifies women. He does not see women as people. He does not respect women as a group. Overall, he sees women as property or sexual objects.

•  A batterer has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He may appear successful, but inside he feels inadequate.

•  A batterer externalizes the causes of his behavior. He blames his violence on circumstances such as stress, his partner's behavior, a "bad day," alcohol or other factors.

•  A batterer may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence, and is often seen as a "nice guy" to outsiders.

Some behavioral warning signs of a potential batterer include extreme jealousy, possessiveness, a bad temper, unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness .

Top

Why Do Women Stay?

All too often the question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude. Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many "women who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self image.

A woman's reasons for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work.

Although there is no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. A woman may not leave battering immediately because:

•  She realistically fears that the batterer will become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts to leave;

•  Her friends and family may not support her leaving;

•  She knows the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances;

•  There is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear;

•  She may not know about or have access to safety and support.

Top

Barriers to Leaving A Violent Relationship

Reasons why women stay generally fall into three major categories:

•  Lack of Resources:

•  Most women have at least one dependent child.

•  Many women are not employed outside of the home.

•  Many women have no property that is solely theirs.

•  Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.

•  Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets.

•  A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.

•  Institutional Responses:

•  Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.

•  Police officers often do not provide support to women. They treat violence as a domestic "dispute," instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person.

•  Police may try to dissuade women from filing charges.

•  Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.

•  Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the assault. Ñ Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.

•  Traditional Ideology:

•  Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.

•  Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no father at all.

•  Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman.

•  Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.

•  Many women rationalize their abuser's behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other factors.

•  Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.

•  The abuser rarely beats the woman all the time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the woman's dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man." If she believes that she should hold onto a "good man," this reinforces her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is basically good until something bad happens to him and he has to "let off steam."

Top

Predictors Of Domestic Violence

The following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse:

•  Did he grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behavior.

•  Does he tend to use force or violence to "solve" his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when he's upset? Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence.

•  Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if he refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can change him.

•  Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes and orders?

•  Is he jealous of your other relationships—not just with other men that you may know—but also with your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you? Does he want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the time?

•  Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against people, or threaten to use them to get even?

•  Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you cannot anticipate what he wants?

•  Does he go through extreme highs and lows, almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel at another time?

•  When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?

•  Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

Top

Checklist

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it's abuse.

Does your partner....

Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

Put down your accomplishments or goals?

Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

Tell you that you are nothing without them?

Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

Blame you for how they feel or act?

Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for?

Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?

Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

Do You...

Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior?

Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

Adapted from Reaching and Teaching Teens to Stop Violence, Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition, Lincoln, NE.

Top

Characteristics of Abusive Men

Control

The "overarching behavioral characteristic" achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. (see Power & Control Wheel ). May deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school).

Entitlement

The "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and justify violence as self-defense.

Selfishness & Self-centeredness

An expectation of being the center of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others.

Superiority

Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper.

Possessiveness

Seeing a woman and his children as property.

Confusing Love & Abuse

Explaining violence as an expression of his deep love.

Manipulativeness

A tactic of confusion, distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, and portray the woman as crazy or abusive.

Contradictory Statements & Behaviors

Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women.

Externalization of Responsibility

Shifting blame for his actions and their effects to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress.

Denial, Minimization, & Victim Blaming

Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior (e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects (e.g., it's just a scratch), blaming the victim (e.g., she drove me to it; she made it up because I have a new girlfriend).

Serial Battering

Some men are abusive in relationship after relationship.

Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and never physically assault a woman.

Effects of Power & Control Tactics on a Mother

The tactics of power and control are the hallmarks of an abusive man, whether or not physical violence is used. The consequences of these tactics for women are well-documented and understood and include erosion of self-esteem, living in chronic fear, health challenges, and lack of self-determination.

How might power and control tactics affect a woman as she parents her children?

A woman believes she is an inadequate parent

•  woman portrayed by abuser as unfit mother, cause of children's deficits

•  fears having her children taken by CAS

•  is frustrated in attempts to create structure or be consistent

•  children may have problems at school, in neighborhood, fueling her belief she is a bad parent

A woman loses the respect of some or all children

•  some children see her as legitimate target of abuse

•  children disregard her parental authority, don't follow her rules

•  children may grow to devalue or be ashamed of mother

A woman believes twisted excuses abuser provides for his behavior

•  believes abuse is her fault so tries to modify her behavior

•  believes abuse is her fault so feels guilty about its effect on children

•  believes abuse is linked to alcohol or stress

•  believes abuse is culturally or religiously appropriate

•  believes men and boys should have more privileges and power in the family

A woman changes her parenting style in response to abuser's parenting style

•  is too permissive in response to authoritarian parenting of abuser

•  is too authoritarian to try and keep children from annoying abuser

•  makes age-inappropriate or unreasonable demands on children to placate abuser

•  is afraid to use discipline because the children have been through so much

•  left to do all the demanding parts of parenting while he engages in fun parts

A woman's capacity to manage is thwarted or overwhelmed

•  depression, anxiety, poor sleeping, etc. compromise her capacity to care for children and provide for their daily needs

•  if denied use of birth control, too many children are born too close together

•  may be denied sufficient money to meet children's basic needs for food, etc.

•  reactive rather than pro-active parenting, responding to crisis not preventing problems

A woman may use survival strategies with negative effects

•  may use alcohol or drugs to excess

•  may maltreat children, physically or verbally

•  may leave them with inadequate caretakers to get a break

•  may avoid being at home (e.g., working double shifts)

A woman's bond to children is compromised

•  children may be angry at mother for failing to protect them or evict abuser

•  mother prevented by abuser from comforting distressed child

•  one child assumes care-taking role for mother

•  children anticipating a mother's deportation or leaving may become anxious or may emotionally disengage to protect themselves from impending loss

A woman gets trapped in competition for children's loyalties

•  abuser attempts to shape child's view of himself as good and mother as bad

•  abuser is fun parent who has no rules

•  after separation, abuser entices children to support his bid for custody with promises of great life at his house

•  abuser has more money and can offer more material goods and nicer home

Top

Is He Really Going to Change this Time?

Positive Signs That He Is Changing:

•  He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others.

•  He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong and is his responsibility.

•  He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you.

•  You don't feel afraid when you are with him.

•  He does not try to coerce you into having sex when you don't want to.

•  You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.

•  He does not make you feel responsible for his anger or frustration.

•  He respects your opinion even if he doesn't agree with it.

•  He respects your right to say “no”.

•  You can negotiate without being humiliated and belittled by him.

•  You don't have to ask his permission to go out, go to school, or take other independent actions.

•  He listens to you and respects what you have to say.

•  He communicates honestly and does not try to manipulate you.

•  He recognizes that he is not “cured” and that changing his behavior, attitudes, and beliefs is a life-long process.

•  He no longer does _______________________ (fill in the blank with any behavior that preceded his violence, manipulation, or emotional abuse).

Warning Signs and Manipulation:

Old habits die hard.  Your partner's abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control the relationship, and that pattern isn't going to change overnight.  He may no longer be violent, but he may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing what he wants.

Here are some manipulative behaviors:

•  Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends.

•  Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you've had together.

•  Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.

•  Tries to seduce you when you're vulnerable.

•  Uses veiled threats — to take the kids away, cut off financial support, etc.

•  His promises to change don't match his behavior.  You may be so hopeful for change, yet don't feel any different when you are with him.  Trust your instincts.  If you don't feel safe, then chances are, you're not.

You may not be safe if:

•  He tries to find you if you've left.  You may leave at a time of crisis to feel more safe.  He may try to get information from your family and friends regarding your whereabouts, either by threatening them or trying to gain their sympathy.

•  He tries to take away the children.  He may try to kidnap the children as a way of forcing you to stay with him.

•  He stalks you.  If you always seem to run into him when you are on your way to work, running errands or out with friends, or if you receive lots of mysterious phone calls, he could be stalking you.

Reprinted and adapted from materials developed by the Texas Council on Family Violence for the Battering Intervention and Prevention Project of the Community Justice Assistance Division of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

Top

How Abusive Men Parent

This material is summarized from Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman (2002). The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Authoritarianism

If an abusive man involves himself in child discipline, he has rigid expectations, low empathy and an angry style of "power-assertive" (i.e. verbal and physical force) punishment. Discipline is a quick fix to an immediate problem, not a thoughtful strategy based upon reasonable and age-appropriate expectations. He may see himself as a superior parent and not listen to input from his partner. He may swing between authoritarian and permissive, even neglectful, parenting.

•  "He expects them to be perfect, like adults, but they are just kids who need to run and play."

•  "Most times he just ignores the kids but if he had a bad day, he explodes at them for no reason."

•  "I kept telling him: in Canada, girls go to the mall and it is just harmless fun with their friends."

Low Involvement, Neglect & Irresponsibility

While children must respect his authority, their daily care is the mother's responsibility, especially routine or less pleasant duties such as diapers and homework. He may be unaffectionate with children and find excuses to avoid coming home. He is unlikely to sacrifice his needs to meet family responsibilities. His praise and attention, so rarely bestowed, may be highly valued by children. Neglect can alternate with periods of authoritarian control.

•  "With what he leaves at the bar in tips in just one night, I could buy a package of diapers. Then he tells CAS that the baby has diaper rash because I don't change her enough."

•  "I got a job but I had to lie and stay on Ontario Works. He took my pay checks and I had to feed the kids somehow."

Undermining of the Mother

Overruling her decisions, ridiculing her in front of the children, portraying himself as the only legitimate parenting authority. Contempt towards his partner shows children it is okay to insult and even physically abuse her.

•  "I try and keep it all on track, the homework and baths and getting to bed on time, but then he says it's okay to watch Law & Order and I look like the bad guy who is always nagging."

•  "My son is starting to treat me just like his father did."

Self-Centeredness

Selfishly expecting the status and rewards of fatherhood with- out sacrifices or responsibilities. May resist changes to his lifestyle when a baby is born. Can be enraged by normal behavior such as crying in infants. Expects children to meet his needs (e.g., listen to his troubles, provide affection, or keep him company when he is in the mood).

•  "When the baby cried, he actually thought she did it on purpose to get on his nerves."

•  "He couldn't tell you the names of the kids' teachers or their birth dates. He really has no interest in them unless he's in the mood to toss the ball around or something like that."

Manipulativeness

Confuses children about blame for the violence and who is the better parent.

•  "Since I left, he repeatedly tells the kids that the divorce was all my fault because I wanted to have boyfriends and go partying. They are starting to believe him."

•  "He told the children that God required him to punish them, and me, to teach us."

Ability to Perform Under Observation

During professional evaluations or in social situations, some abusive men can seem to be loving and attentive fathers. The contrast between public and private behavior may be stark. Children may feel most comfortable with him in public places.

•  "When we are with his family or his friends from work, you'd give him a father-of-the year award."

•  "The judge sent us for an assessment. He turned on the charm so I ended up looking like a liar."

Issues to keep in mind....

•  the more frequently a man abuses his partner, the more likely he will maltreat the children

• children can be injured when mothers are assaulted (e.g., babes in arms)
• the emotional abuse that virtually always accompanies physical violence will have a profoundly negative effect on children
• children face enormous barriers to disclosing abuse or maltreatment in their homes

Some abusive partners can appear to be kind and dependable parents .

Top

How Abusive Men Affect Family Dynamics

Fostering Disrespect for Mother & her Parenting Authority

Effects of violence, verbal abuse, and victim blaming

Children see their mother as helpless, down trodden, stupid. They may acquire the abuser's view of the woman as unworthy of respect and some will see her as a legitimate target of abuse.

Deliberate tactics

Interferes with mother's attempts to create structure; contradicts her rules; rewards child's disrespectful behaviour to mother; ridicules mother; portrays her as incompetent in front of child.

  After separation

Vies for child's loyalty by making his home a fun place with no rules; permits activities disapproved of by mother (e.g., violent videos); may alienate child from mother; may seek custody as vengeance.

Negatively Influencing the Mother Child Relationship

Use of Child as Weapon Against the Mother

Impact on Family Functioning

Tactics in Custody Disputes